Speaking to the right audience

Speaking to the right audience

Today’s blog is a not about conversations with my niece as per, I wanted to highlight a campaign by the Muslim Women’s Resource Centre focusing on violence against women in Muslim Communities. It’s a big and difficult campaign, but I’m glad someone is doing it. I was asked to speak at their regional launches and below is what I said.

Note: A few things about this speech: Usually I don’t advocate using the line “what about your sister or daughter?” when talking about feminism. I believe women should live free from violence against them and in a just society regardless of how they are related to a man. They should be equal as simply women in their own right. But I am also a campaigner, and I know that for a campaign to be successful it needs to talk to the audience in a way in which an audience would hear and relate to. For that reason, this campaign, and I, have talked in terms of relationships and family, because at the heart of the muslim community and indeed, islamic scripture, is the notion of family and belonging. We’ve talked in the same terms, as we, as muslim women are often talked AT or ABOUT.

“I was asked to come along today and speak to you not only in my professional capacity but also as a Muslim women, who understands not only the religious but, perhaps more importantly the cultural implications of being a women in an Islamic community.

In my professional capacity I work in the anti violence against women sector and my work involves tackling violence against women by working with men and boys. Why do we work with men and boys? Because last year in 82% of the cases of domestic abuse a women was abused by her male partner, because young boys are brought up to believe that they needs to be strong, aggressive and dominating and because we live in a society that gives disproportionately more power to men and boys. As such, we need to talk to them, engage them in conversation and change their minds and behaviours. By talking to men and boys we can develop a society where no woman is considered inferior and no man raises his hand at her.

But I’d like to talk to you more as a woman from a Muslim family and feminist.

I’ve been asked, far too often, whether I can be a Muslim and a feminist. I’m often asked this question by people who have misunderstood the religion and have only got their information from the media. If you searched a little deeper, you would realise that Islam is a religion that teaches us about respect and equality, in particular the respect of a woman, a mother, a daughter and a sister. It is not Islam to blame for this perceived attitude, but there is some responsibility in the culture we have fostered within the Muslim community.

In this culture I have often felt less important and less valuable than a man.

In this culture, you are pitied for only having daughters.

In this culture a woman is given identity through her father or husband.

That’s not in Islam, that’s in a culture we have created.

Let’s be honest, this exists across the world and across societies, including western cultures or non-religious cultures. The sad truth is that there is no society where women do not experience violence and discrimination simply for being born women. However over recent decades, many of these societies have become more open and able to question themselves and their practices. Many of these societies have women speaking out and leading change. Progress is slower than it should be, but at least we can say it is moving. But our Muslim culture still feels closed off to conversation about challenging men’s behaviours and supporting women experiencing violence. There is a reluctance to engage or offend and there is a worry that it will create uncertainty or will lead to unislamic practices. But changing to create a safer and better world for women can never be unislamic. It is time for this culture to change, and for this culture to actually reflect the true religion it stems from and the needs of the women it should represent.

Take the example of a woman, newly married, has been welcomed into a new family, but over the months, her friends stop hearing from her, her family don’t get to see her. She has been confined to her husband’s home, is no longer allowed to work and rumour has it, is being abused by her husband. How many of us have heard a story similar to this? How many of us have actually seen this story within our extended families?

What do we do about this? From what I’ve seen, we shake our heads and continue with our lives. But shaking our heads won’t stop this woman from suffering abuse. It won’t stop this woman from experiencing fear, but it will allow her husband to continue abusing and it will give him the power to continue doing wrong. What’s worse, is that if this woman comes forward for support or finds the courage to even consider leaving the abuser, is it our culture’s natural instinct to open or close doors for her? I ‘m sad to say it’s the latter.

There is a Pakistani saying, one that my Dad says often:

“Betian, Maa Baap kehliye Allah ki saab say barhe rehmath hoti hein”

Loosely this translates into, “Daughters are a mother and father’s greatest blessing”. If that is the case, should we not be creating a world in which they are respected, are equal and are free to live from fear? Should we not be teaching our brothers and our sons to treat them as the blessings they are, and in turn get them to consider their own behaviour and think about how have the privilege of living their lives free from judgement and prejudice simply because of their gender?

Respect, or Izzat, is something very central to Muslim culture, but Izzat does not come from a woman being forced to remain silent about abuse, Izzat does not come from seeing domestic abuse as a private issue and Izzat certainly does not come from a man believing he has the right to abuse or own a woman. Izzat, respect and community exist, when every individual in a society is treated with dignity and equality.

I would like to congratulate AMINA and the Muslim Women’s Resource Centre for launching this overdue campaign, I would like to thank everyone in this room for coming, listening and participating and I would like to express my gratitude at being given the opportunity to speak to you today.

All I ask is that you listen to what this campaign is asking of you and never remain silent about violence against women, never allow anyone to hide behind their misinterpretation of Islam or Muslim culture, and finally I would ask that you speak to the women and girls in your family about their right to equality, life and aspiration and you speak to the men and boys about their attitude towards women, privilege and power.

Thank you again, and I hope you leave with the inspiration to create change and the strength to challenge.”

The Freedom of Nudity

Nudity was the topic of choice this Friday and for reasons you can probably guess. Not a topic I particularly encouraged, I take no joy in awkward conversations with my nieces. I mean your aunt, who to a 14 year old must seem and I quote “sooo old” saying the words “nudity” or “naked” is the stuff of nightmares for any young person. But it was still the topic this week.

I’ve encouraged my nieces to read and talk about what’s going on in the world and then, if they want to, talk to me about it. I have also explained that if what they are reading happens to me a complicated economic theory then to perhaps give me a week or two to get back to them…At which point I take the financial times and a dictionary out.

So this week my niece asked my about FEMEN and was a little perplexed. FEMEN is a radical feminist group which uses provocative imagery to make feminist statements, usually these statements are written on their naked bodies. Saves money and trees making a placard, I guess.

It has escalated in the past week after Amina a young woman from Tunisia, took a photo of herself with the words “My body belongs to me” in Arabic and posted it on the FEMEN Facebook page. This has caused outrage and has called for her to be stoned to death or ostracized from society. People have been quoted saying she will “given other women ideas” – that their body belongs to them too?!

Up to this point Amina is right and the right-wing extremists using Islam as a shield are wrong. Religion, morals, spirituality, beliefs are individual and should be respected as such. Who is anyone to say what Amina’s relationship with her body or her God should be?

What comes next is where things go wrong, and this is where my niece was most confused. Any conversation I have had with my nieces has asked them to question what is around them (including me) and have told them that feminism at it’s core was about liberation and choice. Here’s the dealo – Liberation doesn’t necessarily mean western values. I know, MINDS BLOWN!

This.

After the episode with Amina, the FEMEN group has decided to turn against not only patriarchy but Islam. They are not the same things. Yes Islam, like all religion, and indeed every avenue of society, is soaked in patriarchy but they are not the same thing. At this point, myself and FEMEN must part ways. Not because I come from a Muslim family, my decisions are rarely influences by that, since I have been taught a very open minded Islam, but because of my feminist values. The values that tell me my feminism is not for imposing on others. That in itself defeats the purpose of the entire movement.

FEMEN have urged women to come forward to defend Amina by writing ‘My Body Against Islamism!’ on their naked torsos. They have also asked people to tweet and sign a petition, I have done the latter two, because that works for my feminism. But the problem arises when FEMEN have equated not protesting topless with my oppression. I can assure you I am not oppressed. I respectfully ask you to stop patronising me and countless other women.

It’s much like SlutWalk. I understand and nod in agreement but personally, I am not looking to take back the word “slut” but I applaud you and wish you success on your march, because at the end of the day, you are fighting patriarchy and whilst we all might do it a slightly different way, as long as we are standing up, we are winning. But don’t you dare, Don’t. You. Dare. Say I am not a feminist or I am an enemy to the sisterhood, because I don’t do it your way. That sounds an awful lot like patriarchy to me. 

The founder of FEMEN has said “Muslim men shroud their women in black sacks of submissiveness and fear, and dread as they do the devil the moment women break free” You are making a few too many assumptions in this statement, assumptions that make it difficult for non western women, in this case Muslim women, to partake or support your cause. You have reduced Muslim women to objects not by their bodies, but by presuming their thoughts and not entitling them to a voice.

This, has now created a counter-movement “MuslimahPride” who are protesting this assumption about their liberation. Rightly so, but here’s hoping they too are fighting the patriarchy within Islam and Muslim countries.

Muslim or not, western or not, religious or not. Here is a handy checklist for you to ensure your feminism is supporting rather than suppressing those it aims to “free”:

• Are the women in question being forced to comply to a certain behaviour? (be that wearing a Burkha or being nude – yes, it works both ways)
• Have said women asked for your support to speak up?
• Have you asked the women what they would like you to say or how they would like your support?
• Have you ensured that the women you are speaking for are also leaders in the cause alongside you?

If the answer the above questions is yes, then by all means, grab a megaphone and get to work for your cause, but if the answer to even one of the above is no, take a long hard look at your methods and consider whether this helps or hinders the cause of feminism.

If we continue down this, very ignorant, oblivious road, we will turn feminism into a movement fighting within itself, whilst patriarchy flourishes. (Although I’ve written about this already!)

Men are objects too!

You should read the title in the tone of “look, look we have it tough, why is nobody talking about us?”

My nieces assembled (not like avengers, that would be awesome) in a huddle in front of me over TV and lunch. I have arrived at the conclusion that actively telling them to talk to me about feminism yields no results, but saying your aunt is going to provide free food and films means they are round every weekend. Little do they know, that my years of commercial TV viewing predicts that a story of patriarchy can only be one advert away.

Indeed it was.

It was the Diet Coke advert. Yes, THAT diet coke advert, the timeless sexy man advert. SWOON etc. I started talking about it and my nephew interrupted, “Eh hold on! That’s sexism of men” Obviously we then talked about what that word actually meant and why my response was a very firm, glaring “no”.

But they wanted more of an explanation. My niece said anyone being seen as only an object without any personality or thinking (she’s a smart cookie) is wrong. Yes. Absolutely  this is discrimination and wrong. But it is not objectification or sexism in the same way women face. Not one bit.

You see it’s all about context. let’s break down that Diet Coke advert. She throws a can his way, knowing it will explode, haha, cheeky little prank. What happens next, sexy man seductively takes off his T-shirt, the girls drop their jaws and are mesmerised as he raises his eyebrow and takes a cool refreshing sip. The questions you need to ask when you want to figure out if this is objectification is simple:

Who is in control and who is powerless?

Does the person you are referring to come with a face or just sexual parts of a body?

Now, the Diet Coke ad, isn’t much of an issue, it’s not like he decides to strut over grab one of the girls and then tie a leash round them (that people, has actually been in an advert). But to answer the questions, he is in control and he has a face, he is not seen as just pieces of a body. Sidenote the song being played is Etta James (she is brilliant) however, the choice of song suggests, again that he’s in control: “All I want to do is wash your clothes, I don’t want to keep you indoors. There is nothing for you to do But keep me making love to you” *rocks back and forth and asks for Etta forgiveness*

Time and time again, I have been asked told (by men who often consider themselves on feminism’s side) that objectification happens to all genders and it is a product of capitalism. Yes, in this case it’s most defiantly being used to sell, however no, it is not that same. This is something that is in desperate need of being understood. The use of  a man is not used as pieces of a body for sexual pleasure in the same way women are used. Not just in commonality of the use of women in adverts, but the way in which women are illustrated is as submissive and as parts. That is not the same as men.

What I will say for men in this case is this; you are told to be a certain type of man – yorkie eating, beer drinking, gym going, lumberjack of a man. That is unfair and not reflective of the diverse identities that men have in the world. But I am about to say something that might shock you! That patriarchy’s fault too. Jump aboard the feminist bandwagon and you too could be liberated.

This has been even more prominent to me over the past few weeks as a new *read as pretend* political party emerges “Justice for men and boys (and the women who love them) – no seriously this is a thing, even the bits in brackets. The irony that the name of the party has women in bracket,s as a secondary thought, seems to have missed their PR peeps. Excellent stuff. Many thanks, I hear patriarchy already has that job, but who knows maybe he’s looking for a deputy.

Now masquerade this however you want, but he hates women. In an article the party leader described his work as “fighting feminism” and has written books which include the “Glass Ceiling Delusion” and “Feminism; The Ugly Truth”. The only thing ugly here, is someone who is so seeped in privilege and entitlement that the mere question of women’s justice and equality has him creating a fictitious political movement. Afraid I’ll stick to real social injustices.

Often when men’s rights activists explain what social injustices they face they come up with the following:

“Men suffer from domestic abuse too” – That’s right and that is not ok. However there is no denying that over 80% of women are the abused gendered analysis; a look into deeper social inequality will tell you why.

I’ll take the following as one:

“Men have the highest suicide rate and least likely to come forward for support”

“Men are expected to be successful and powerful and are belittled by society when they are not”

“There are more women in caring and teaching professions”

THIS IS ALL PATRIARCHY. This is patriarchy and the discrimination and social exclusion of women backfiring on men. If we fought for social justice and the end of patriarchy, both men and women (and those who identify as a different gender or no gender at all) would be free from the stereotypes and false beliefs patriarchy creates, which do an injustice to us all.

Here’s the thing men’s rights activists or those who like to tell me that men face sexism too: When feminist women talk about these issues they are talking about their experiences and their rights. You don’t get to contradict them and play some fictitious game of top trumps. When women stand for their rights, they are not standing to rid you of yours.

Go through the history books. When women got the vote, did men lose theirs? When the civil rights movement began, did white people have to start sitting at the back of the bus? NO.

There is space on the platform for us all, so rather than taking up more space than you’re entitled to, figure out the true cause of injustice and hand over the megaphone.

Peace out.

You Hip Hop and You Don’t Stop

It’s a Saturday afternoon, which meant two things, I had teenage nieces at my house for a little feminist discussion and I had to tidy up, because between Monday – Friday, I allow my surrounding to look like a tip. I like to think the mess reflects my lack of time due to changing the world, but actually, it’s a reflection that I rather watch Revenge than do ironing.

My nieces, 14 and 16, are over and they have decided to entertain themselves with whichever remotely cool (and free) channel they can find whist I make lunch. The channel they chose was Chart Show TV. This carries on until Chris Brown comes on. Naturally, I came through from the kitchen, and did something that probably looked like the unhinged women from the Simpsons who throws cats at people (replace cats with a sponge at the TV), and explained that for this reason, I would rather they did not support his music by watching the videos.

So then a few more minutes went by, I carried on, they carried on talking and then the music videos that were played made me alert again: Snoop Dogg, Pitbull, and something from 50 Cent that I can’t remember.

I was in the kitchen, so could only hear the words:

“Tear off this clip of clothes, i wanna see u in the nude

You can keep on your high heel shoes

So follow me down to yellow brick road

Where ni**as go to see naked hoes

Shake that shit b*tch

And be off in the club with a hard ass d*ck

Then drop like this b*tch

If you wanna make the money shawty work that shit

That ho’s fine but but but but this one’s a killa”

I could figure out the video that went along with the track and that’s where we find the topic of today’s discussion.

I don’t believe in censoring people from the reality of the world and my nieces are not children. So rather than marching into the living room and switching off the TV shouting “WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!”, I had a conversation with them. The most empowering part of feminism, for me, is the ability to critically analyse and question the world around you. Why do things exist? How do we make it better? What choices are there for me and why do I make certain decisions? Not pretending it doesn’t exist.

So we talked. They said it was “just listening to music” or “we don’t really pay attention, it’s just how the music is, we just sing along”. Not a surprising response, but one that can easily be used to explain, how subconscious sexism and misogyny works. We watched some videos and paused at particularly degrading parts. Often the lyrics wouldn’t be about a woman writhing against a stripper pole, but that would be the visual, we explored some of the words and although, at 1pm on a Saturday afternoon, most of the lyrical content was bleeped out, they knew what words were being used to describe women.

Then my niece asked “Why do they have to call them that, why can’t they just call them women or girls?” “Why are they calling them something you say to people you hate?” Indeed.

Sometimes, the penny dropping is hard work, because sometimes, you just want to listen to music, so I left it there for them, and asked that all they do when they see this, is understand that it is part of patriarchy, it is a false illusion which is dangerous for both women and men, and that this should not influence the way they see themselves or how they allow men to see them. They are strong women, not b*tches or ho’s.

I’ve listened to rap music since I was a teen, and yes sang along to sexist lyrics, without actually realising what the words meant. I love hip hop music, but usually it’s the beat rather than the lyrical content or the videos. I love a heavy bassline. But this wasn’t always what hip hop was, it started as a creative expression of black culture and the experiences of black people. In my opinion, hip hop became more sexist, as it tried to appeal to the masses. And we all know patriarchy owns the masses. (At this point it’s important not to penalise only hip hop, it’s all across music; rock, pop, alternative….I think folk music might be the only one out…).

I’m not about to start a campaign for the censorship of hip hop (we would have to close ourselves off to music, radio, TV, advertising, the list goes on…) and I think that steers too close to “let’s shut down the internet!” but I would like to see more respect for the art and for women. To the makers of the videos; who are you trying to appeal to? You’ve created a norm that nobody asked for. To the lyrical geniuses; what are you writing about? Fame, money and women? I’m pretty sure there’s more to be said and, quite frankly, it’s getting boring.

Hip hop, or the music industry as a whole, isn’t about to change any time soon, but what can change is what we buy into and what subconscious sexism we allow. Gaining a little perspective and questioning what you see before you, provides you with a barrier which makes it that little bit harder for subconscious sexism to get in and makes it that little bit easier for you to understand and fight patriarchy. So next time you’re listening to the radio or watching a video, just pause for a little self reflection.

PS: In the time the conversation with my nieces happened, I burnt 2 pizzas. it’s fine, we ate toast instead.

PPS: I’m now listening to Justin Timberlake *hangs heads in shame*

Searching for…A little Muslim Feminism

There are times when I feel like a bit of an anomaly. My nieces often ask me why I’m not like mummy or other aunties, sisters ask why I insist in being so difficult (difficult being a synonym for feminist), often this arises after I walk through the door after a day of feminist fighting, whilst simultaneously reading tweets from feminist haters and a lynx advert comes on the TV. What else is a women to do but be enraged? But, particularly as Asian Muslim woman, it feels quite lonely out there in the feminist world. I’m not sure if, despite efforts, women in my family would describe themselves as feminists. It’s usually about the third word I use to describe myself, after sarcastic and unstable…

I’ve realised one of the reason I have been talking to my nieces about this is because, from where I am standing, there are a shortage of young Asian (especially Muslim) women engaging in feminism. It’s important at this point for me to admit something. I use Muslim in a loose sense. By no means am I a scholar or dedicated to the practice of the religion, I’m not looking for an influx of Muslim women discussing religious text and the meaning they have to gender equality. My focus has always been culture not religion. The culture is the problem, it is the culture that has created communities which question and judge a Muslim women and turn a blind eye to the actions of Muslim men, it is culture who tells Muslim that being single after 30 is unacceptable, it is culture that dictates what kind of mother, wife and daughter a Muslim women needs to be.

This will be on my next t-shirt

To be perfectly honest, all of the above can be translated to the women in any culture, any religion and any society. But, perhaps from my own experiences, it is more acute and more accepted in the Asian/Muslim culture. I find myself surrounded by strong activist women and very, very few of them are Muslim (or even Asian) women. This is a problem. It creates a polarized feminism. It creates a space where the perspectives of Muslim women aren’t included in feminism and means that there are a select few talking about women’s issues despite it representing billions of women in different cultures across the world. Of course, feminism in India, China, Pakistan and countless other countries will be mostly led, rightly, by women from those cultures, but the women leading the feminist movement in a country must reflect the women they represent (much like how are parliament needs younger, non-white, non-male representation to reflect our society). We live in  a multi-cultural society, so we need a little multi-cultural feminism. It wouldn’t be ok if, for example, an atheist feminist talked about Muslim women ‘s experiences of in British society. But where are all the Muslim women feminists to talk about it? If they don’t come forward, then their issues won’t be discussed.

I’ve talked to Muslim women my age, younger or older, and I get the usual “I don’t need feminism, We all have equality, right?”  (Not all of them!)  But it’s not just the usual brushing off of feminism, it’s seeped in an even deeper cultural patriarchy. I know lots of successful Muslim women, ones who are mothers, wives but also educated professionals, business women and leaders. But there seems to be a big gap between the boundaries that I am proud to say they have pushed in the professional or external world, and the boundaries they are still accepting in their homes, their communities and their culture. I understand that it is harder to question and change things close to you, but if we don’t who will? The menz?!?!

Even checking the #Everydaysexism project or twitter feed, there are not that many Muslim women engaging – are they immune to everyday patriarchy, I can assure you they’re not. So why aren’t they engaging in this uprising? Do they care about reputation within the community? Is it saving face? Is it because they don’t feel it’s a problem? Maybe it’s not, but nobody is even having the conversation. There are countless Muslim, or defined as Asian, women’s organisations which exist to support women or sometimes simply to build a network, but what would be the harm if these groups started these conversations – simply asking the questions about equality, asking about each other’s experiences in the community and what injustices they see. These are the conversations which lead to change.

If you’re a Muslim women and you’ve read this and something in you has stirred, comment, tweet, email me and I’ll be happy to start this chat, in fact bring your friends, sisters, cousins. If you’re part of a Muslim or Asian women’s organisation get in touch, I’d LOVE to work with you.

Ciao (or salaam) for now.

The Sisterhood

This year, the conversations with my niece have become conversations with my nieces. I have nieces that span the ages of 4 to 20, and I thought why deprive the younger ones of my infinite wisdom (much to my eldest niece’s relief).

My niece, who we discussed last week, needed a babysitter for her party with her friends. This niece is 8, and everything an 8 year old should be; overly talkative, inquisitive, inhibited and finds the word ‘poo’ hilarious. She is also often seeped in more pink and Hello Kitty attire than I would prefer, but, those are her choices to make.

So, on this cold Saturday afternoon, I find myself with six 8 year old girls…What to do? What to do? Naturally, I got them into a circle on the floor and we played a game about women role models (If I was 8, I would hate me too), but then they got to watch movies and eat popcorn after, so back off.

During the afternoon, they talked about some of the other girls in school, apparently some of the other girls don’t like their little group, whilst talking, here’s what one of them said:

“Mum says it doesn’t matter because we are all friends, and she probably doesn’t like us because she’s just jealous”

First bit excellent, second bit not so much. But, at the tender age of 8, this little girl (and many like her) have decided that the fellow woman is jealous competition.

The idea of other women being competition made me think a lot this week. What are other women competition for? Male attention? Jobs? The last pair of size 6 shoes at a sale? Catching the last seat on the bus? If they really are prone to such jealousy and competition, I’m surprised we don’t all were headbands resembling the 118 dudes, constantly running to places before everyone else. HAHA! I made it to the end of the Asda aisle before you, sucka! Incidentally this has made me think of this from Mean Girls.

I’ve sat at dinner with actual friends whilst a monologue ran through my head “God she looks great, I could never wear something like that”. “Is she about to eat that burger? I just got fat looking at it” etc etc….that’s normal, I get that kind of competition, but it doesn’t stop me from having a relationship with these women.

One of my friends who works in the dirty corporate world, talks to me about this all the time. She recently went to a women’s networking event and was told “Only a few of the women in this room will make it to senior management, the women on your right is your biggest competition to get there, you have to make sure you are noticed from the herd.”

Wow. So let’s not talk about why only a few of them will be senior managers, lets instead focus on them climbing over each other to get to the top.

We are in world that encourages us to see fellow women as competition, rather than individuals who are dealing with the same crap we all are. This is one very BIG distraction from solidarity and a huge block in feminism’s path. 

We need a little sisterhood. Now, by no means am I suggesting we should all hold hands, do each other’s hair and be besties forever. Aside from that making me want to vomit, it isn’t the meaning of sisterhood. You don’t have to like every woman (God knows, there are plenty I don’t, mainly the Kardashians, there’s a sisterhood that doesn’t need to exist). It’s not about liking, it’s not even about agreeing, it’s about common ground and creating a movement. If we see other women as a problem, how will we create a world that can see them as a solution? See them as around the table for the important decisions, the CEO of that company or the elected parliamentarian for that constituency?

And time and time again, I’ve had to witness this lack of sisterhood within the core of the feminist movement. How sad. We have a group of like-minded feminists there and another group of like minded feminists over there, and never the two shall meet. We have a whole society of patriarchy keep us from uniting and creating change.Why are we doing their work for them? I bet they are somewhere drinking champagne, smoking a cigar and laughing at the “little ladies, at it again”.

My psyche has decided that an image of patriarchy is some form of 1950′s gentleman’s club – which is probably about right.

Take the example of Suzanne Moore and her column which made a (yes, not very well thought through) comment about “Brazilian Transsexuals”. What she said wasn’t absolutely not ok, I believe the movement is for all self-defining women, but the attack wasn’t much better. The whole situation could have been somewhat remedied had it not been for Julie Burchill coming to Suzanne Moore’s defense. Though, this ‘defense’ felt more like bigotry and a way to increase her readership.

Twitter isn’t the place to go for solidarity at the best of times, but yesterday I saw this:

She is mocking the use of ‘trigger warning’. A term many people put ahead of posting something which may include vivid descriptions or graphic illustrations of violence against women. The people that do this are simply ensuring that those who read will be able to make an informed choice rather than clicking on something and it having a PTSD related symptom for them. It might seem a little odd or like people are being wrapped in cotton wool, especially given PTSD can be triggered by anything. But, what I saw in this tweet, was this need to mock and belittle what some people, genuinely, do as a means to create a safe and accessible movement for all. Think about the fact that many women who become activists, are doing so after experiencing violence themselves. But, rather than accepting that some feminists do this, maybe talking to them about it in a less crappy way, or deciding to not agree and not do it herself, Julie Bindel decides to mock it. Thanks sister.

Have I got the wrong end of the stick? Are we not all trying to create a world which respects and values women, a world free of gendered violence and world with an equal economical, political and societal platform as men? That is what we’re all doing you say? How exciting. (Stella Duffy has written and excellent piece on this).

So, how about we talk to each other, argue, debate and disagree, but remind ourselves of who we are actually fighting and why.

And in the mean time, if an impressionable young girl talks to you about some girl she isn’t getting along with, try not to tell her it’s because she’s jealous. It simply reinforces women against women. If you’re going to encourage them not to be friends (and decided to try questionable parenting skills), say something non gender related, like she smells. Ta very much.

In solidarity, sisters (vom)

Big Girls Don’t Cry…

…Except the ones that aren’t a size 10 or below. They should weep.

It’s a new year and a new niece! Today’s conversation feature a super hyper, e-number addicted, 8 year old. She, and her younger sister were staying over with me and getting changed for bed/watching a movie with the best aunt of all time, my younger niece was very excited because she got to wear the new onsie she got for Christmas (Public Announcement: Onsies are fine if you are under 16. Adults who wear them cannot be my friends. Nick Clegg was never going to be my friend, but this includes him too). I asked why my 8 year old niece why she wasn’t wearing her’s and the reply was “It makes me look fat”.

Stop the bus at pleasant and nice and let’s take a detour down feminist avenue. a-thank you.

An 8 year old girl just said the words “It makes me look fat”. I stopped and looked a little stunned. I sat her down and asked why she thought she looked fat. She said it was because her belly stuck out. I then asked why that was a bad thing and she said “that’s not what people say you should look like, you’re meant to have a flat belly”. I then talked to her about how lots of people look different and that’s a good thing. I then explained that what we see around us isn’t always the right thing, sometimes what we see the most, is a message we shouldn’t be getting at all. She smiled, shrugged and went to put on a Shrek. All is well, apparently.

But it’s not. That’s a message she got at 8 years old and it’s a message she will get every year, every day, every advertisement throughout her life. Until she’s 40, where it’s less about her belly fat and more about her wrinkly face.

Appearance is something I have, and still do, struggle with. I don’t look like the size zero front page of Glamor Magazine or any flawless women on screen, I’ve never considered myself beautiful and probably never will – that’s ok, I’ve been told my personality is awesome. I spent my early teens being awkward and turned this awkwardness into a sarcastic comedy in a hope that the rest will not be noticed (tiny violin for me). As I got older, and where I am now, I’ve learnt to work what my mamma gave me and get over it (most days). I realised that everything I saw was Photoshoped or plastic and, most importantly, I understood that society and a multi-billion dollar industry just wanted me to feel bad. And that just wasn’t going to happen. However, I just happened to talk to the right people and read the right things that allowed me to take back control of the self esteem attached to my physical appearance, and even then, it’s not easy. I often slip into thinking negatively about my appearance and trying out the latest fad. (Give me a break, even Mary Poppins was only PRACTICALLY perfect in every way). There’s no formula, no sure way for me to assume my niece, or any young girl, will have that same experience. In fact, most of them grow up with a negative attitude towards their own bodies. 

But, some days even the knowledge of patriarchy’s shitty behaviour, doesn’t stop you feeling rubbish. The days I speak of usually happen in January where every magazine is full off “New Year, New Body” crap and every advert is for weight loss.

They told us to eat Lindt chocolate till we exploded in December, and now they are spamming us with Acai berry miracle fat loss. Marketing backstabbers.

I counted, and in January, so far, I have received 62 emails about radical/miracle/as seen on TV weight loss products. But you can’t get away if you try…even if you have some kind of tiny person inside your computer with a fishing net acting as a virtual spam blocker.

Here are the covers of January’s magazines

The 8 hour diet, healthy food that might make you fatter and ‘smart’ health tips for January

You want a detox for the New Year? Detox your mind of sexism, sexist behaviour and sexist messages. How? 3 healthy and balanced meals of chewing up patriarchy and spitting it back out (with a side of cake).